Feelings........

Nothing more than feelings, right? Ha! I have a myriad of feelings battling it out right now and none of my feelings are wrong but then some of them don't feel right given the circumstances.

I am happy to share that my letter on hemochromatosis has been published in two papers so far. I received a call from a woman in Zanesville over the weekend who wanted to share her husband's story with me. I found out a bit ago from a co-worker that his Dad mentioned that he read my letter in the Delaware newspaper over the weekend. I'm working on collecting copies of the letters so that I can put together a scrapbook. I know it sounds weird to do a scrapbook but I see this part of our lives and we can use the book to educate Jonnie when he needs to deal with this disorder.

At the same time that I'm happy, I also feel frustrated. Jon's butt has totally been kicked by hemochromatosis. Jon went spent the morning going through piles of mail that had accumulated and something that seems so simple wore him out. Jon fell asleep around 3 yesterday afternoon and finally woke up around 5:30. He slept so soundly that he did not realize that I had cut the grass until he looked outside and saw it was mowed. Jon was so tired that he could not even sit at his computer to work on a newsletter that should have been done last week. I dug through his email and went between his computer and mine trying to find emails with articles for the newsletter. I dug around the server trying to find birthday lists to gather birthdays. I completed the newsletter for Jon but instead of being thankful, he went off on me for totally messing up the calendar on the back page. I wanted to scream, yell, cry, cuss but I did none of that. I should back up; it was the newsletter incident that ticked me off to the point where I desperately needed to blow off some steam so I decided to mow the lawn. Mowing did work out my agressions and when I came in and saw both of my guys were asleep, the nice bubble bath afterward also helped.

I cannot hold Jon's illness against him which is why I feel guilty for being frustrated. Jon is so tired that he cannot do anything around the house anymore. I've unloaded and loaded the dishwasher more times than I can count and I still have dishes that need washed stacked on the counter. The next time I make a meal, boom, more dishes. Normally when I buy a melon at the store, Jon cuts it up for me because he's much better with a knife than me. I bought an enormous cantaloupe at the farmer's market on Saturday and wanted it cut up. Since Jon did not have the strength to do it, I did it. Thankfully, it was ripe so I cut it in half and used the melon baller on it.

I also feel angry. Why did this happen to us? I feel like we have already battled enough adversity in the past 10 years of marriage from various illnesses with Jonnie, several job losses for Jon, a house we haven't been able to sell just to name a few. Now my husband is afflicted with a blood disorder? The phrase that comes to mind immediately for me is "My God, my God, why have you abandoned me?". I don't recall what book in the Bible it's from but I know I've heard in Gospel readings at mass. I am completely overwhelmed by trying to work full-time, clean house, cook meals, do laundry all while being a loving mother and wife. Oh, I should also add in there loving daughter trying to remotely care for aging parents one of which is an emotional timebomb waiting to go off.

I am thankful that I have Adoration at church tonight because I feel I need the time to sit down, reflect, and pray. I have a long road ahead of me as I stand by my man who is battling hemochromatosis.