An attempt at intellectual insight

I took a few minutes earlier today to read my friend Sarah's personal blog. She made a couple of posts earlier this morning which were so insightful. I could identify with her post about the sacrifice of mass. After reading her blog, I thought to myself about attempting to post something more insightful instead of my Howard Cosell "play by play" posts.

After reading Sarah's blog, I've been reflecting on my feelings during the time that Jon has been away. I have to admit that Tuesday through Friday were easy because I was at work while Jonnie was at school. The biggest challenges I faced on these days were getting Jonnie to go to sleep which was later than I liked which lead to my second challege of dragging myself out of bed for work.

The weekend has been most difficult for me. Even with Jonnie and the cats, I've felt a tremendous loneliness. The only thing I can figure is it's related to the lack of interaction with other adults which has me longing to return to work so I can interact with my co-workers. I have not been able to talk with Jon on the phone with weekend because his Dad and Elaine are in New York visiting him. In fact, Jon told me on the phone today, "Why would I want to talk to you when I have people here to visit with?". Ouch; that one hurt. My parents keep calling but instead of being relaxing interactions, they're more like interrogations on how I'm doing. Am I eating? What am I eating? Am I getting enough sleep. Needless to say the answer to them today of "I fell asleep on the couch while Jonnie watched movies and we shared popcorn chicken & fries" was real winner of an answer topped off by guzzling a myriad of caffiene to keep myself going.

The challenge of publicly caring for my toddler has been overwhelming. I still feel enormous tension in my upper body from wrestling with Jonnie at church this morning. My stress level escalated walking around the zoo trying to squeeze the stroller in so that my son could see the animals while rude individuals hogged the window space having a photo shoot with their baby and an urangatang. I probably butchered the spelling but I think you know that I mean. I feel more stress now than I have at work in weeks and I've written several action plans and RFP responses that I had never done before and I was nervous about whether I'd done them right. It appears my strength is in technical writing and not in child rearing.

Jon's illness is still very much on my mind although he is not here. I think that makes it harder. I cannot make sure he's taking his blood pressure day and night. I cannot make sure he's laying down and getting the rest he needs. I cannot make sure he's not eating beef behind my back. I cannot be sure he's taking his medication. I can't take care of him. I've tried to take care of him from here but I feel like I'm failing. I have tried contacting his friends in the Knights who also happen to be officers with him regarding his diagnosis. I realize that hemochromatosis is treatable and if treated properly that Jon's internal organs will not be compromised and that his health with be fine. I feel like the Knights have somewhat blown me off except for the two that replied to me; no one else has responded. I was hoping to help get his workload reduced but I have a gut feeling that is not going to happen. There are not enough hours in the day for Jon to keep producing newsletters. Of course, if someone else took this over, the guy who hand writes his column and drops it off at our house when he's at the Der Dutchman would be SOL. The fact that Jon has to receive everyone's mail at our house and then try to track people down to distribute it. Last fraternal year, Jon refused to file reports like he'd done in the past so absolutely no paperwork was filed. Can no one else use a pen and fill out a report? Can no one else write an an address on an envelope, affix a stamp, and place said parcel in a mailbox? It's simply frustrating to me.

My insightful blogging time is done. My son is calling for me.