Birthday Reflections - Past & Present

Instead of a daybook like I mentioned last Sunday, I have been reflecting a lot on birthdays past & present. I wanted to share this with my family and friends.

As a young lass, I remember a year where I wanted a birthday cake with blue icing because blue is my favorite color. Mom made me a 2-layer devil's food cake with the blue icing. She bought some pink & white candy letters at the store to spell out "Happy Birthday Jodi" on it. When we took off the cake topper to cut the cake when my paternal grandparents and my maternal aunt & uncle where there, the letters had turned a lilac color. It was a little eerie to look at but chocolate always tastes great.

That was my most vivid childhood memory. As I became an adult, I have more memories but they aren't as fond as blue iced cakes.

February 15, 2000 - Jon worked for Healthsouth in a shirt & tie job and he had flown out to Texas on Sunday. I got home from work and was eating a chicken patty sandwich when my Mom called with birthday wishes. I knew my Dad went to see his Dad who was in a nursing home every Monday & Wednesday. I asked how Grandpa was and my Mom was silent before she started to stammer. I interrupted her and said "He died, didn't he?". She confirmed it and said she was going to tell me the next day so as not to ruin my birthday. We finished our conversation and I immediately called Jon who was sitting at a Ruth Chris with his co-workers (generous per diem). I forget the exact time lines other than Jon's flight was very late getting in and we drove to Mansfield for the calling hours later than planned. Nine years later and I always think of Grandpa Woodruff.

February 15, 2003 - I turned 30 and was pregnant with our first and only child. We had a huge snow storm. Jon had been out the night before and told me to stay home from work because the roads were bad. We had more snow while he was at work so I went out trying to clear the driveway. Our neighbor Jo saw me and ordered me back inside short of carrying me in the door. I see her boys with snow shovels shoveling the main driveway and sidewalks and a guy shows up with an ATV with a snowplow to clean out the bottom of the driveway. I was overcome by the generosity as no one would take money from the fat pregnant lady. I remember Jon getting home and the first thing he asked was "you didn't clear the driveway, did you?".

February 15, 2005 - I was diagnosed with depression on my 32nd birthday and have been on medication ever since. I was in a funk that became unbearable to those around me so I sought the help from my doctor. I had a brief period where we cut my meds in half in the hope of working off them but we went back to the original 20 mg dosage.

February 15, 2009 - After 7 months of being in pain, doctors found an issue with my intercostal nerve and did a trigger point injection procedure and put me on meds back on January 26th. I should have been doing cartwheels in joy but I was very rude toward my husband. A few days ago, I ripped him apart verbally about stuff that was plain stupid. We finally had a calmer conversation later and it came out that I was struggling without alcohol. We have some social engagements coming up and I told him I was scared to go because "I wouldn't be fun to hang out with". Jon flat out told me that if I think I need to drink wine or beer to be social that I need to get help because I'm an alcoholic. No, not me! WRONG! I ventured over to the Alcoholics Anonymous web site and read their online women's pamphlet. I could relate to items on a list they had of signs that you're an alcoholic. I read stories about women who felt they were not witty or sexy if they didn't drink. I read about a woman who was so stressed about her daughter's birthday party that she was drunk when people began arriving for the party. That could have been me on my son's 4th birthday if there had been alcohol around because I had to pack up a party and hold it at my father-in-law's house. I was very stressed out and unhappy about the whole situation and drank plenty prior to leaving! I thought about Jon's Christmas present of buying me a case of my favorite wine from the Anderson's with a few other wines mixed in. It was the 2nd week of December and all of the wine was gone shortly after Christmas. Except for 2 bottles that I shared with my father-in-law, I drank all of the other bottles myself. I was averaging a bottle of wine a day. Then I thought of my Aunt Helen who died of cirrhosis. She would show up at family reunions with an open bottle of Jack Daniels. Despite her diagnosis she continued to drink until she died. I have to wonder if there was a bottle of "jack" in her casket. I was starting to turn into Aunt Helen. I only stopped drinking because of my pain medications. Now I've decided that I want to be sober not just because of medications but so I can clearly live my life rather than being drunk all of the time. After all, when you were drunk so much that your 5 year old son starts to recall having to pull off the side of the road so you could barf or times he saw you with your head in the toilet, it's time to put the wine glass down. I have joined an AA Beginners group hosted on Yahoo. I have downloaded a step by step guide to using the AA "Big Book". I ordered a 3 book set of AA books from Amazon on Friday night after Adoration. Jon & Jonnie bought me a set of headphones with a microphone for when I start participating in on-line AA meetings after I get my books. The nearest meetings to Plain City are in Newark and Mt. Vernon so I sought the on-line option. I feel good about my decision. In fact, I walked tall and proudly right by the wine area at Kroger yesterday when I had to go over to the pharmacy area to get cold & sinus medication. If I find that friends do not like being around me because I'm not drinking alcohol, perhaps they were never really my friends.

It might be hard to believe but I've been writing for over 45 minutes. I did make a brief stop to go and get my breakfast but most of the time has been writing. I can't tell you how good I feel to share these reflections with all of you. I feel uplifted and lighter than air right now. I don't think my 7 pound weight loss constitutes being lighter than air. :-)

Blessings for a wonderful week!