Victory and Defeat

"The thrill of victory and the agony of defeat" is something that late sports caster Howard Cosell used to say when I would watch ABC's Wide World of Sports with my Dad while growing up.

Recently, I'm feeling more "agony of defeat" as I battle this undiagnosed illness that has been troubling me for the past month and a half. On Sunday, we took a family trip to the zoo. It was a short trip because Jonnie asked to go home plus I was spending more time sitting on benches watching the wagon while Jon and Jonnie went to see exhibits. When we got home, I washed my face, climbed into bed, and slept for over an hour. I got up and started making an early dinner since we never ate lunch. I perked up after having something to eat. Jonnie wanted to go outside and play soccer. He has a small soft soccer ball and a net. I didn't run much but I walked along and kicked the ball a little bit with him for a half hour. When I got ready for bed, I noticed that my left side swelling had returned and I was really achy. I was in bed by 9:30 but that wasn't enough. I got up for work and felt awful; still swollen, achy, and exhausted. I took care of a couple of things and went back to bed and slept until about 9:40 this morning. I'm getting ready to lay down to take a nap.

Although I am feeling defeated, I feel there is also victory. I have not yet been diagnosed so I can be treated but I am still alive. Granted, I have some days that are better than others but I still have my life to be thankful for. I have people praying for me like crazy, relatives who suggest tests that I should have done, and a doctor that has been receptive since she has no idea what is causing my ailments. My son understands that I don't feel well and sometimes Mama needs to sleep a lot. My husband has been phenomenal. He's changes the cat litter box (I can handle the daily scooping), when he starts to run out of his favorite clothes; he does the laundry, when we ran out of forks over the weekend, we had a good laughed and washed a couple for dinner and then he did the dishes. He makes sure our son gets to bed and on days like today where I have to stay home, he gets our son dressed, to school and back. Since we have no family in the area that can help us, we have become closer through this whole ordeal as well as more tolerant of each other as we try to cope with getting through every day life one day at a time.