When "Enough" is "Too Much"

I just returned home this afternoon from another stay with my Mom & Dad. Mom had her second cataract surgery on Wednesday. There were complications in getting her eye dilated this time but the surgery went well and she's doing fine. Dad is still doing fine but doesn't move around much.

My Mom needed some artifical tear drops and I had some things that I needed to get, too, so I headed out to Super Wal-Mart on Wednesday afternoon. I lost track of time being that I've only been in this enormous store twice. Since I didn't have Jonnie, I thought it would be a good time to get his birthday gifts.

I came home from shopping and showed my parents everything I bought. They were amused by the "General Lee" that I bought Jonnie which has a Dixie horn, a revving engine, and the Duke boy yell. They didn't really know what to think of the Jon Cena and Batista wrestling dolls.

I mentioned to my Mom that I'm working with my FIL who has offered to have a birthday party for Jonnie during Mother's Day weekend since my MIL will be flying in for my SIL's college graduation. I told her that I could ask my FIL if I could invite them to Jonnie's party and offered to drive them up if it was okay for them to come. My Mom said that my Dad wouldn't want to go because he's embarrassed since his fall which broke his hip. She also said that she can't compete with Jon's family when it comes to buying gifts for Jonnie and that they'd rather just give him some money in a card privately.

This made me realize that I was falling victim to trying to compete with my husband and my in-laws on giving my son the best give for his birthday. Since I'm an outcast, it's already harder for me to fit in so I try to buy my way with everyone. I think the only result that has had for me is a high credit card balance which I'm trying to pay down.

These past 2 days, I did something that I haven't been able to do in a long time and that was sleep in. Sleeping this past Monday doesn't count because I was ill. The truth is that I've been getting up earlier and earlier because I can only studying, blog, read email, or do quiet chores while Jonnie is asleep. I tried to study last weekend but Jon wanted to play with his guns in the basement and Jonnie got bored of being alone so he would go find Jon and he later found me. I was the one that I had to stop what I was doing to play with Jonnie.

I talked to my parents this morning about something that was fairly difficult. At 34 years old, I asked them if I could move in with them. I told them that I'd like to find a job in Ashland at either the hospital or University in the IT field and that I'd like to live with them while I paid off some bills and looked a place of my own. I told them that I my husband sees me only as a cash machine and a babysitter and that I am tired of it. I said although I love St. Joe's church, I'm getting overwhelmed as I try to do what Father wants me to do which I never feel is enough. I'm in Adoration, I'm an usher, we print newsletters, and this Sunday I need to go move tables and chairs (Jon won't come help; he thinks its unnecessary). I was called the other day to usher mission programs on Sunday and Tuesday and I had to say "no" and fear that Father is angry that I'm not doing enough. I think the priest at the church in Ashland has the personality of paint but part of me wants to be able to attend mass with no strings attached.

My parents sat in shock for a few minutes as they digested what I had just told them. My Dad was quick to say "damn Italians want to run everything; I knew they were going to run your life". Later he said Jon and his Dad didn't need to design our big house on my dime because although it's nice, it's too expensive and too much for me to take care of. Mom suggested that Jon and I get marriage counseling which she suggested before and asked her if we ever went. I told her we didn't because it's so hard to schedule around shooting matches and that Jon cannot take any time off work because he's essential personnel. Mom said she had a feeling that we were having problems based on things I've said. They're concerned about me because I keep getting down sick trying to work full-time, tend the house, keep up with my studies, and keep up with the church. They're also concerned that I have trouble getting my car in for scheduled or needed service with the amount that I've been driving recently. They know about my bum tire because I had to take it in for air on my previous visit because it was going flat when I was taking Mom to her eye doctor.

I did mention to Jon that I'd like to talk to him this weekend and briefly told him about my conversation with my parents. I don't know if he's scared or frankly doesn't care. He left early for the class he's teaching tonight after scarfing down some fish and fries. I guess I'll see if he leaves at dawn for the class he has to teach at 11 AM tomorrow.

One of the things that hurts the most if I do decide to move to Ashland is that I know I will never see my son again and that my parents will never see their grandson again. My parents both nodded in agreement because there are more Santini's than there are Woodruff's and we would never win the battle to see Jonnie.

My heart is aching, my soul is weary, and my mind is puzzled about what to do.

In the meantime while I try to figure things out, I need to go back in the family room with my son so we can play and watch the "Grinch". If I decide that I need to move on, I know that what days I have left with him are precious.