Conflicted

I'm feeling quite conflicted right now. I can't decide if I did the right thing or the wrong thing.

I wrote previously that I contacted my Dad's neurologist. I spoke with Dr. Tan on the phone today. It's no surprise that he wants to see my Dad since he has not seen him for almost a year. He also wants my Dad to have another MRI to check the water pocket in his brain. With my Dad's moods and behaviors there was brief mention of possible anti-psychotic drugs (yikes)! If that weren't scary enough, it looks like it's time for a neurosurgeon to become involved to review my Dad's MRI results for possible brain surgery to implant a shunt.

I poured my heart out once I picked my husband up from work until we reached the daycare center. Jon's the guy of guy who "tells it like it is" which, frankly, sometimes really stinks when it's not what you want to hear. He thinks that my family is going to fall like a row of dominoes starting with my 96 year old Grandma, then my Dad, and then my Mom. There is a chance that could happen but it's not what I wanted to hear. I was almost in tears when I agreed that is a possibility but that I didn't want to accept it because I'd lose most of my family. I'd still have Jon and Jonnie whom I love dearly but since my parents have greatly reduced what little travel they do, I've pretty much had them and they've pretty much had me with Grandma thrown in here and there. I'm pretty much the forgotten one in the Woodruff clan except for when I place calls to my aunts and uncles when my Mom or Dad are hospitalized. With my Mom's health decline, I ended up getting in touch with my cousin Nyleen whom I have not seen since 1977. She's the only cousin who keeps in touch with my Mom; the others stopped calling when Mom wouldn't give out money because she knew it would be wasted on drugs and alcohol.

I called my Mom after we got home from work and gave her the scoop. She wasn't surprised by anything I told her and she is going to work to try and get appointments set up for my Dad. I told her that I would do what I could to try and come up for the appointments. She told me I didn't need to do that but I told her that I want to try because I'm the one who helped get her into this mess. I also know that with Dad's attitude that he's going to lash out at my Mom. She doesn't need anymore bruises. I'm at the point where if Dad wants to lash out, I want him to lash out at me. I'll even challenge him, quoting Pat Benetar, "Hit me with your best shot". He'll either take his best shot or break down in tears.

I'd like to think that I did the right thing by talking with Dr. Tan. He really wants to consider putting in the shunt for the water pocket because he thinks it will improve Dad's quality of life. My Dad is only 73 and Dr. Tan figures he still has a few years let. I told the doctor that my Grandma is 96 so if Dad follows the lead of his parents, he's got a good 20 years left.

I've been in a bit of a funk tonight because I can't shake the thought of eventually having neither one of my parents. Who would I call if I get a promotion at work? Nobody. Who would I call if I'm upset and need an ear to bend. I'd have nobody. Who would send me a card on my birthday? Okay, so my mother-in-law does and sometimes Aunt Mar a few months late. Who would remember us on our anniversary? Nobody; my parents are the only ones who send us an anniversary card. I probably sound petty but these are little things that have always meant a lot to me.

I know that I'm wallowing in self-pity right now and I need to get out of the funk. Jon was too busy with Knights stuff so I didn't even try and talk to him again. Tomorrow he goes shooting and Friday I need to go to the grocery after I we have dinner. Saturday it's shooting again. I just need to suck it up and move on because I've got my son for the the next several days!!

I'd like to "give it over to God" but I'm so conflicted that I don't know what to say. I should find comfort in knowing when Grandma Woodruff, Mom, and Dad are gone there is always God. When Jon is off shooting, there is always God. When Jonnie grows up and moves away, there is always God. If I look at it that way, I realize that I will never really be alone.